Why is Cyrus Broacha vexed with the SoBo crowd?

It’s time to confess. You guys don’t have to confess. I mean, if you’d like to, then please do, but kindly do so in your own column, and not here. No point in being ‘that’ democratic.

Now without further interruption, back to my confession. There are few things people don’t really know about me. For instance, did you know that I’m a mere 85 kilos, have both eyebrows, and mostly identify as a male, except on weekends? See, you had no idea. But there’s more, much more.

Did you also know, I’m a trained and award-winning sociologist and psychologist? I bet you didn’t. And I can’t blame you, upto 2 weeks ago, I did not know, either. To summarize, I identify as a mostly male award-winning, certified psychologist, and sociologist. Now, to prove the creditability of this claim, I have jotted down my observations, in a manual I’ve called “Vegetarian Chicken Soup for the Soul”.

These observations have been made because this writer, (who happens to be a certified and award-winning psychologist and sociologist), is sick and tired of all the usual issues. Internecine wars, lack of availability of resources, fluctuating GDPs, scarcity of jobs, and a never-ending wedding. People seem distracted by the above, and have turned off some more pressing local issues which trouble our society at large, and by “our” society, I mean people of Walkeshwar, Malabar Hill, Mumbai.

Observation #1: Slow walkers. There is a new illness which is growing at a massive scale, of purposeless walkers. Increasingly our roads, (again Walkeshwar, Malabar Hill, Mumbai), are being filled with walkers with no agenda. They walk like they are in a perpetual coma causing traffic jams, and people jams. Since they are rarely on the pavement, they seem to target vehicles with their meandering aimless gait. Ambulances on emergency duty are defeated in this war of attrition. Even India’s greatest tradition the “V.I.P. red beacon cavalcade”, has suffered at these merciless sloths. Oh, and mind you, not all of them are on their mobiles, and even less of them seem to be actually on their feet.

Observation #3 (To keep you on your toes and to make sure you are not one of those purposeless walkers, this writer , has put observation #3 ahead of observation #2 ). Too many citizens are guilty of starting a conversation with a greeting, and then moving on, sans conversation. Why do that? How audacious and spiteful have we become? After interrupting a person with an unnecessary greeting, you just leave them hanging? Also, there is no conclusion after the greeting. No ‘bye’ to follow the intensive ‘hi’. It’s just ‘Hi’, and off you go. Have we lost all shreds of human decency? Is there no empathy for a fellow human? (Generally, human refers to a few, but not all residents of Walkeshwar, Malabar Hill).

Observation #2 This is the worst one of all. Some soulless monsters, have their chauffeurs bring the car to the building lobby or gate, in readiness for the great one on to arrive. The average time spent in this wait is 37 minutes. Due to this malicious act, other cars are forced to form queues to get in or out, leaving the driver angry, frustrated and suicidal. In a recent case, a blocked car operator suffered a heart attack, as after the 37 minutes wait, the ‘memsahib’ about to enter her vehicle realised she had forgotten her glasses, and so went back to her abode to retrieve them. The extra 27 minutes was too much for this sensitive soul.

Not to take our GDP, melting glaciers, and so on lightly, but we must as a society look at all our ailments holistically, and by ‘we’, I mean the residents of Walkeshwar, Malabar Hill and the Southern tip of Mumbai. 

The writer has dedicated his life to communism. Though only on weekends.