Two nations: How an Indian man and a Chinese women got their families to accept their marriage

Connie: I grew up in Shanghai. Both my parents are college-educated and employees of large enterprises, used to travelling overseas for business. We also took many family holidays overseas. In my memory, my parents were always “ahead of their peers” because of this international exposure. They supported me in studying in the UK and then in the US. So I was surprised by their response when I announced that I was dating an Indian. My mother said, “You are the sole purpose of my life. Now that your life is ruined, I might as well die or become a nun.”

She said I must have been abducted by an Indian and would be taken to India, where I would be raped. For two days, she refused to eat anything. She told me that I had hurt her very deeply. Concerned for her health, I lied to her. I told her that I had left Vipin.

Yet, we kept quarrelling for two years. We quarrelled every time we got on the phone. My parents were the same people who used to console their friends whose kids wanted to marry foreigners. They would tell them that it was okay. But then, these foreigners were mostly white or Japanese. When it was my turn, my mother even said it was better to find a lesbian partner than an Indian man. Despite knowing that Vipin and I were dating, my parents kept pretending I was single and still accepted people’s referrals for dates for me. That is how I realised my parents were not really “ahead of their peers” after all.

Vipin: I was born to a Jain family near Delhi. Jainism is a religion with many restrictions: we do not eat meat and many other foods. From a young age, I was warned not to marry outside my caste. This restriction did not make any logical sense. But the more I was warned, the more I wanted to rebel against it. So once outside India, I dated people from different races, Spanish, Chinese, and others. When I introduced “the” Chinese girl, my family reacted strongly. They compromised from their earlier rigidity and said, “At least marry an Indian girl.” Perhaps this resistance came from their lack of exposure. In India, our interaction with China is limited to two aspects: one, whatever happens at the border; two, Chinese goods.

Over time, my family stopped resisting, perhaps because I was getting older and they were worried that I would end up a bachelor. And now, my parents like Connie so much, especially for how she dedicates herself to what she wants to do.

Connie: I met Vipin on OkCupid. He was the first Indian I dated. I didn’t like his photo, so I swiped it away. Despite my rejection, he sent me a message, “If you like Xi’an Famous Foods restaurant (a Chinese restaurant in the US) or dumplings, we can still talk.” I liked his sense of humour. We met and became very attracted to each other. We shared a lot of common interests, such as a passion for food. Vipin eats meat though it’s not officially known to his parents. He just doesn’t cook meat. He said he was spiritual but not religious. I was the same. So I resonated with that.

Both of us are very rational people. So I told him frankly about my parents’ bias, that it was unfair, and that I would understand if he chose to leave the relationship. But Vipin was calm and supportive. He was never aggressive or pushy. He told me we must slowly work through this and convince our parents.

I had studied intercultural conflict in a summer programme (my major was psychology though I am now an acupuncturist). So I applied my learnings to my own family. According to the theory, my family was at level one, the “denial stage,” which is defined by “perceiving people from different cultures in simplistic, undifferentiated, often self-serving ways.” I also got inspiration from doctors who treat allergies with exposure therapy: progressively increasing exposure to allergens. I decided to increase my parents’ exposure to Indians and their culture.

I knew my parents loved me. I knew they wanted me to be happy. I just needed to let them see the real person. My mum refused to meet Vipin when she came to visit me in the US. So I got Vipin to come and help with her luggage when she was about to leave. I said there was no one else available to help. So they met for only five minutes. Years later, mum told me she “liked him already” from those brief five minutes. His humble manners, courage to show up despite knowing he was not welcome, and determination to support me, completely changed my mum’s prejudice.

My parents had been worried that I might “become an Indian person.” So, they felt assured when they saw that I wasn’t changing much. They also felt comforted seeing me happier than when I was single. They always said I had dated too few people before deciding on an Indian. After all, I studied in an all-girls high school followed by a women’s college. But I had dated enough to know what I didn’t want.

We held a simple wedding. Our parents attended via Zoom. We decided to invest money into a house instead of wedding rings. Both of us are practical people. Vipin had once taken me to an Indian wedding. While I felt excited about this new experience, we both agreed that we didn’t want such extravagance for ourselves.

When I posted our couple photos on Xiaohongshu9, some random people left nasty comments: “Couldn’t you find any better man?”, “Why must you marry an Indian?” Some commented that he was very dark. Some asked about his caste. Maybe this comes from how India is represented in Chinese media – it is always bad, rape cases and violence. Some media even make fun of India’s National Day Parade – the Indians don’t even have proper weapons.

Some of my relatives also asked my parents why I married an Indian. But my parents defended us. It was a complete turnaround. Of course, my parents still can’t imagine us settling in India – they think our quality of life will worsen. But now they explain to all that our life is the same as same-race couples and that Indians are not what they are known to be.

Well, the reality is that there are unique challenges in our kind of marriage. Take food for example, Vipin loves Chinese food, and I love Indian food and even promote it among my friends. But his parents are very strict with their diet, so it is challenging when they come to live with us. There were times Vipin and I sneaked out of the house to get our meat fixes. I don’t want our kids to be vegetarians without choosing for themselves, either.

But the fact is that there are many similarities between Indian and Chinese cultures. That’s why Indian and Chinese migrants follow such similar paths in the US. Both work in high-skilled industries. Both believe in education. Often, both end up selecting the same neighbourhoods to live in. Where we live in the US is a classic example. It is in Jersey City, facing Manhattan across a river. Our place is nicknamed China-India New Village because both Indians and Chinese live here in abundance. There are even Chinese and Indian supermarkets.

Makes me wonder if it truly is that strange for these two races to congregate once they are outside.

Excerpted with permission from Rebels, Traitors, Peacemakers: True Stories of Love and Conflict in Indian-Chinese Relationships, Shivaji Das and Yolanda Yu, Penguin South East Asia.