Father’s Day: Strategies for mental peace when you can`t "fix" the relationship

For many, Father`s Day isn`t a celebration, but a stark reminder of unresolved pain. Not all challenging father-child relationships can be repaired or forgiven. However, practical mental health strategies for individuals seeking peace when reconciliation isn`t possible or desirable can help. 

Every year Father`s Day is observed on the third Sunday of June, and this year it is being celebrated on June 15. While dealing with the relationship, the focus is on setting boundaries, managing expectations, practicing self-compassion, and finding alternative support systems that don`t hinge on a conventional relationship with one`s father.

Self-compassion and grieving the wished-for relationship
Dr. Pallavi Joshi, consultant psychiatrist at Manipal Hospital, Varthur Road, highlights the societal pressure in India to forgive and forget. She says, “Parents are often placed on a pedestal, we sometimes forget that they, too, are human and can make mistakes. Many adults carry the emotional weight of childhood experiences, especially being scolded or labelled not good enough.” This repeated criticism can deeply affect self-esteem, leading individuals to believe they are inherently flawed.

Joshi recommends self-parenting for those who feel unloved or experienced emotional neglect. “Just as you would comfort a toddler by gently placing a hand on their chest and saying, `It’s okay, you’re safe,` you should offer yourself the same reassurance. In moments of emotional distress or when you feel unloved or unsettled, respond to yourself with kindness and care. This simple act of self-soothing can help heal old wounds and build a sense of inner security and self-compassion.”

She also shares a quote by Oscar Wilde, “Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes they forgive them.” Joshi notes, “This reflects how we evolve—from idolising parents to seeing their flaws. Forgiveness, especially after emotional neglect, can be the hardest but most healing step.” Additionally, she suggests thought-stopping techniques like the rubber band method, where snapping it gently to interrupt thought loops.

Processing emotional pain when reconciliation isn`t an option
“When reconciliation or forgiveness isn’t a viable path, one effective strategy is simply to say goodbye — not out of bitterness, but as a way of honouring the grief that comes with unresolved relationships,” says Deepti Chandy, therapist and COO at Anna Chandy & Associates.

Chandy suggests moving through the grief cycle, acknowledging the pain, and allowing oneself to fully feel it. “A therapeutic technique that can assist is two-chair work, where you speak to the absent person as if they were present, expressing what you need to say to find closure. Ask yourself: What does an ending or closure look like for me and what small ritual or reflection could help me move forward?” she advises.

Building a robust support system that may not include parents, such as close friends, is also incredibly important. Chandy states, “Particularly during emotionally charged times, it can be very beneficial to surround yourself with people who make you feel safe and emotionally supported. Giving yourself permission to process these feelings in therapy in any way that suits you. Complex emotions related to a father`s absence or estrangement can frequently be evoked by holidays, memories, and specific life events.”

Establishing healthy boundaries without expecting a `fix`
To establish and maintain healthy boundaries with a father who is still present, Chandy advises, “Start by asking yourself what healthy boundaries look like for you. What helps you feel protected – your mental and emotional wellbeing?”

She recommends defining these boundaries clearly and communicating them calmly but firmly. “Be realistic if the person has shown you that change isn’t likely, it’s essential to adjust your expectations accordingly. The key is to stop expecting a miracle and start creating space for yourself,” she explains. Chandy concludes with a powerful metaphor: “Remember: boundaries aren’t walls they’re gates. You decide when to open them and when to keep them closed, based on what your emotional landscape needs.”

Grieving the loss of a wished-for father-child relationship
On the other hand, Joshi asserts, “It is real to grieve such a loss.” She outlines the stages of grief: “Denial, rage, bargaining (imagining `what if he had behaved differently`), despair, and acceptance. Acceptance is essential, even if your father is still living.”

Among the healthier ways to grieve, Joshi lists:
1. Composing letters to your younger self explaining your feelings and what you saw.
2. The mirror approach, which involves saying `I love you` while standing in front of a mirror. I embrace you for who you are. There`s a child within seeking approval.
3. Expressing unfulfilled needs through the writing of completion letters. Sometimes achieving closure or calming anger is more important than forgiveness.
4. Recognising your unfulfilled need: were you seeking security, approval, or love?

She also advises acknowledging any good your father may have done, despite imperfections. Citing the Upanishads (prati-prashna paddhati), she suggests, “When you are furious with someone, try to think about at least two or three positive things they have done. It lessens the intensity of emotions.”

Managing expectations around family-centric holidays
“Father’s Day and other family-centric holidays can bring up complicated feelings, especially when your relationship with your father is strained, absent, or painful,” acknowledges Chandy. She suggests making alternate arrangements, such as a day out with friends, a solo trip, or simply doing something that feels good or grounding. Don’t let yourself fall into isolation. Having a plan, she notes, “Can ease the sense of emptiness and help avoid emotional spirals.”

Chandy also reminds us, “Media and marketing often idealise family relationships. What you see online – perfectly curated family brunches and heartfelt captions – doesn’t reflect the full picture. For many people, these holidays are hard. You are not alone, and your experience is valid.” She encourages individuals, “Give yourself permission to redefine what these days mean to you. Maybe it’s not about celebrating your father maybe it’s about celebrating your resilience in the absence of that connection.”

Building alternative support systems
“We often remark that you can find relatives in the most unlikely places. Your biological family is not the only source of your support. Building support and services should be a priority, particularly for people who don`t feel a strong emotional bond with their parents,” says Joshi.

She reiterates, “We are gregarious creatures. Speaking with the appropriate person—not just anybody—is what counts. Locate a supportive vent partner who will listen to you without passing judgement. There are often one or two of these individuals in every stage of life.”

She also highlights, “Not everyone must satisfy every emotional demand. There are several types of friends you can have, including serious friends, coffee buddies, chai buddies, and people who support you no matter what. They are all significant in their own unique ways.”

Furthermore, Joshi suggests, “Seek out those who are hurt if you wish to alleviate your own suffering. Visit hospices, assisted living facilities, or orphanages. Your own emotional wounds can be healed by helping others. After my father passed away, I personally found comfort in often visiting hospices.”

Effective therapeutic approaches
When reconciliation isn`t the goal, various therapeutic approaches can be beneficial, according to Joshi. She notes:
1. Psychoanalytical treatment is frequently used to treat childhood trauma or abuse.
2. Positive psychotherapy is an effective treatment for low self-esteem or poor self-worth.
3. Interpersonal psychotherapy is helpful when dealing with problems involving two or more persons.
4. If other people (such as parents or siblings) are interested and involved, we may employ family therapy.
5. Depending on the demands of the client, the majority of us employ eclectic treatment, which combines elements of several systems.

Joshi concludes, “However, satisfying unfulfilled emotional needs is always the aim. It`s not always necessary to involve the person who wounded you in therapy. Rather, it focuses on understanding what you`re truly looking for and mending your internal traumas.”

This Father`s Day, remember that finding peace is possible, even when traditional reconciliation isn`t an option. By embracing self-compassion, setting boundaries, managing expectations, and cultivating alternative support systems, you can navigate these complex emotions and move towards a place of healing and personal well-being.

Source