Being and Belonging

by Neha Kirpal

I vividly remember nights sleeping with my desk pushed against the door, gripped by fear that my father might come in and hurt us, as my mother believed. She felt threatened, convinced he was out to kill us. It was only later that I understood my mother’s fear stemmed from her perception of persecution; often the case with paranoid schizophrenia.

When moments of normalcy occurred, I felt foolish for doubting my mom and being a part of our family’s daily soap opera. I would question my perceptions. What’s wrong with me? Why am I overreacting? I found myself navigating a complex web of emotions – concern for mom, confusion about her erratic behaviour and the pressure to figure out how to survive the day as a family. Thoughts kept running through my mind every waking hour. How do I fix this? How do I save everyone from this madness? How do I save my parents’ marriage? How do I protect my brother? How do I save us the humiliation from our neighbours? How do I keep this a secret from my teachers and friends?

As a child, I quickly sensed that everyone wanted to either judge or stay away. Our neighbours, who had watched my brother and I grow up, stopped inviting us over. We became a subject of gossip, a story to be whispered about derisively. There was a collective effort to ignore the chaos, as if acknowledging it would make it too real or force them to get involved. It felt like the unspoken rule was to pretend everything was normal, even when it clearly wasn’t. So outside our home, I learnt to mask our reality, to present a facade to the world that was ‘socially acceptable’ and so I too could fit in and be seen as “normal”.

There were only a few family members who understood, but their reactions were often as confusing as the situation itself. Their bewilderment mirrored the uncertainty I felt within, further complicating my understanding of the daily delusions, dilemmas and distress felt by all four of us. It was clear to me even as a child that society had no framework for processing our reality – no shared vocabulary or pathways to help navigate severe mental illness that shatters not just the person suffering but multiple generations to come.

I Was Taught Trauma, Now I Teach Kindness

by Janani Iyer

During a class reshuffling, only three students from the entire grade were moved to different classes. I was one of them. Most students remained with their old friends. I had two friends from grade six when I failed, and I had befriended two girls who’d just joined and were none the wiser about my baggage. Initially, they were kind to me, but their aunt, who worked at the school, must have heard negative things about me in the staff room. She advised them to stay away from me as my reputation preceded itself.

I often wondered what reputation they were referring to.

This experience was humiliating and hurtful. As a child, I had some faith in the adults around me, but witnessing these events made me realise that adults were mean and petty. This pettiness deeply affected me. No matter what justifications the school gave, they never convinced me. I grew up feeling there was something wrong with me. Every day, I woke up, went to school and felt anxious. At home, I felt anxious. There was no respite from this state of being powerless, voiceless. I clung to my mother constantly.

My older brother, in many ways, took on a parental role. His own anxiety, however, made him very controlling. He dictated my choice of friends, my daily routine and what I would do with my time. Despite being only three years older, his approach felt like I had to surrender to his authority, as he was my primary caregiver.

I realised I needed to find respect for myself within the school environment. I began taking ownership of my life in small but significant ways. In class eight, I started handling my uniform independently, washing, drying and ironing it myself. This process became a symbol of self-care and autonomy for me. I also started to take charge of my homework, tackling it on my own even if it was challenging. I reached out to friends for help when needed and began befriending students who were more knowledgeable. This shift marked a critical point in my journey towards self-reliance and confidence.

Waves of Wisdom: Navigating Life with Bipolarity

by Aparna Piramal

I have lived with bipolarity – classified as a serious mental illness – for over two decades. I believe that you can have a mental health condition and raise a family, be in stable, loving and supportive relationships with close family and friends, study at leading educational institutions, turn around a company, write a book and a popular column, teach students, give a little back to society, travel around the world, fail at learning the piano, fall off a horse and get back on it again …

My journey demonstrates that a mental health condition does not define one’s limitations or potential. In other words, you can be happy, successful and bipolar, whatever your dreams are. That is why I reveal my vulnerability in all its misshapen glory. And while there are numerous reasons to avoid such radical transparency, it is crucial. By being open, I hope to reshape how bipolar disorder and mental health conditions are perceived.

While I have occasionally been incapacitated by my condition, most of the time I am ‘normal’, although who really knows what normal is? But for me, it still means that I am on top of my thoughts and not the other way around.

As a child, I juxtaposed quiet pursuits with “safe thrills,” defined as regular spurts of adventure and excitement. Reading and writing were my favourite activities, as well as stamp collecting, writing letters to pen pals, making endless lists of books read and movies

watched and playing board games. But my childhood passion was horse-riding along with my sister and cousins. It was a sport I was introduced to by my uncle, Ajay Chacha (Ajay Piramal, a well-known business leader).

Excerpted with permission from ‘Being and Belonging’ by Neha Kirpal, ‘I Was Taught Trauma, Now I Teach Kindness’ by Janani Iyer, and ‘Waves of Wisdom: Navigating Life with Bipolarity’ by Aparna Piramal in Homecoming: Mental Health Journeys of Resilience, Healing and Wholeness, edited by Neha Kirpal and Nandini Murali, Westland.

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